Not Your Granny’s Apple

by Lizzy Sebuck

As the temperature drops and the leaves begin to change color, it’s time to put away that pitcher of lemonade or that mango concoction you came up with over the summer and embrace the fruits of the season.  Fall is the season for pumpkins, candy corn, and taffy, but nothing beats the apple explosion.  Let me be blunt: apples are the shit.  Off of the top of my head I can think of at least three reasons why: apples make delicious pies, they are the reason we have apple pie flavored shots, you can eat apples after you scrape out all the resin (don’t act like that doesn’t bring back your college days); all-in-all, apples rule.  We’ve learned that the scent of apples can help reduce the intensity of a migraine and this week it’s our mission to fill you in on some information about apples that everyone can use. Let’s explore some other ways apples can heighten your other senses, such as sight and sound, or hinder all of your senses through taste.

They really weren’t kidding about “an apple-a-day.”
According to natural cures website LaceToLeather.com , Apple Cider Vinegar can work wonders for many bodily ailments.

Amongst other things, cider vinegar is very effective in detoxicating [sic] various organs in the body together with the blood stream. Hence it is a purifier, as it has a means of breaking down fatty, mucous and phlegm deposits within the body. It therefore, promotes the health of the vital organs of the body e.g. kidneys, bladder, liver etc., by preventing an excessively alkaline urine. Cider vinegar also helps oxidate [sic] the blood which consequently prevents the blood from becoming too thick and gluey, which gives rise to a strained heart and blood vessels resulting in high blood pressure. Cider vinegar also promotes digestion, assimilation and elimination and it neutralizes any toxic substance taken into the body.

SIGHT
Tired and Sore Eyes

For tired, sore eyes, don’t listen to Ben Stein, use cider vinegar!  According to LaceToLeather.com, drinking the cider vinegar will relieve some eye pain.

The cider vinegar therapy together with honey is the essential ingredients here. Two teaspoons of each taken in a glassful of water, three times a day. This mixture retards the onset of tired and sore eyes which are usually apparent in later life, as it supplies them with those vital elements essential to their health and functioning.

Even though you won’t immediately feel the effects of the cider, your eyes will thank you later in life.

HEARING
Impaired Hearing

Starting to wonder why your aging parents always ask “huh” or “what” these days?  Maybe they didn’t treat themselves to the apple cider vinegar therapy in their earlier years.

The treatment of impaired hearing has had excellent results on the apple cider vinegar therapy. Take the normal dosage three times daily and notice the improvement.

And now for the most enjoyable of the senses…

TASTE
Spiked Apple Cider

This treat will keep your insides warm and fuzzy no matter how cold it is at this season’s tailgate.  If you’re looking for a drink that will knock your socks off and warm your belly, this is it.

Ingredients:

  • 1 gallon of apple cider
  • At least a fifth of Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum (or any spiced rum)
  • At least 2 apples per batch (green or red is up to you)

Method:

  • Pour half gallon of Apple Cider in heated pot on stove, let contents steam.
  • Add half the rum to the pot.  (Or more, depending on how loosey goosey you want to get.)
  • Cut up at least 2 full apples into one-inch chunks and add to the mixture.  These pieces will absorb the spiked cider and serve as an intoxicating snack as you drink.
  • Lightly boil contents for about 10 minutes and ENJOY.

The sooner you lap up this alcoholic apple cider, the sooner the pot will be empty and you can throw it on your head and pretend to be Johnny Appleseed.

Turns out there are a few more useful functions for apples aside from using them to smoke the happy herb or sucking up to the hot teacher.  The smell of apples can be used to ease a migraine and can benefit sight, hearing, and taste as well.
By this point I’m sure many of you are convinced that we’re alcoholics, in reality, we just know how to make a party out of any topic, whether it’s wine, sushi, or apples.
Remember, “An apple-a-day keeps the doctor away” (but it may invite a hangover).

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One response to “Not Your Granny’s Apple

  1. Does “hard cider” work as a substitute for cider vinegar? If so you can bypass the rum spiking process, buy a bunch of Woodpecker hard cider, save some dough, and get an equally horrible hangover!

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